Newt Is A Tool

By Ashley F. Miller

Do you remember those halcyon days when John McCain really was a moderate? There was a brief moment after his nomination when I thought, gosh, this is going to be Vinick v Santos, a fight between two moderates, maybe even a no-lose situation for the American people. Those were better times. One of the front-runners for the Republican nomination is Newt Gingrich, a man who I don’t particularly like but who seemed sane enough, like maybe he wouldn’t just bait voters with the stupidest things he could think of. I’ve forgotten how rigorous the fight to the bottom for the GOP nomination is.

Alright, admittedly, I made the mistake of clicking on a CNN headline about Newt Gingrich and “atheists”. Atheists is in quotes there because CNN seems to only share that word when it’s in quotes. I know better than going to CNN, and I know better than reading stories about GOP nominees, and I really should know better than to read any story about “atheists”, but I couldn’t help myself.

Ol’ Newt is worried that the country is going to become a “secular atheists country” overrun by “radical Islamists.” I just want you to take that in for a second. He is worried about people who are secular, atheist, and muslim… at the same time.

Now, I know Newt isn’t stupid, he’s just a craven ass. And I’m allowed to say that because we went to the same undergraduate institution. Newt must know that being an atheist and being an “Islamist” are mutually exclusive positions. Unless I should fear the domination of this country by those fundamentalist atheist Christianists.

HEADDESK

I’m sorry, it’s just the dumb appeal to the lowest common denominator. It burns. It burns because I know that it works. I know that someone is reading that stupid CNN article and thinking, “God, you know, that Newt Gingrich has a point. This country is under threat of Muslim Atheists. And hell, the only thing worse than a Muslim, is an Atheist, and the only thing worse than an Atheist, is a Muslim one.”

On the other hand, it’s refreshing to see how far we’ve come as a nation to think that being a Catholic is American and not indicative of a political devotion to papistry that will lead this nation into the fiery pits of hell. Because, as we all once knew, Catholics aren’t proper Christians, and Merka is a Kristyen Nayshun. Things are different now, right?

Excuse me while I go weep.